The 2012 Presidential Election

It’s time once again for the three-ring circus our election process has become. While I’m pretty certain of the ultimate outcome, I am not about to underestimate the Republican party, with their penchant for dirty tricks and their fear of fair fights. So here we go again. Buckle in, folks, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.

The Democrat

There isn’t any question who the Democratic candidate will be in 2012. Barack Obama will be the candidate, and in all likelihood he will be re-elected, as none of the Republican contenders can really measure up to him. Remember, this is the man who succeeded in killing Osama Bin Laden. True, the economy still sucks, but can Obama really be blamed for that? I think not. Instead, the blame should rest squarely on the shoulders of the Republicans in Congress who should be spending their time working on solutions to America’s problems, but are instead more determined to bringing Obama down so they can continue to kiss the asses of their rich campaign donors while throwing the middle class under the bus.

The Republicans

Michele Bachmann Congressional Representative from Minnesota Michele Bachman is an idiot. She has demonstrated a lack of knowledge in just about every field of study there is, from science (“carbon dioxide is a harmless gas”) to history (“the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery.”) She’s too stupid to be President, and too stupid to realize this.
Herman Cain Former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza Herman Cain has stated he would not tolerate a Muslim in his cabinet. He should go read the Constitution, which strictly forbids religious requirements for public office.
Newt Gingrich Former Speaker of the House Talk about a non-starter. His entire campaign jumped ship soon after he started running. Pretty sad when you can’t even pay people to believe in you.
Sarah Palin Former Governor of Alaska She hasn’t formally announced she’s running, but I’m including her anyway because she’s just so much fun to mock. Like Bachmann, she lacks one important requirement for the job: a brain.
Ron Paul Congressional Representative from Texas He’s not even a real Republican… he’s a libertarian.
Tim Pawlenty Former Governor of Minnesota First he made a ripple by coining the term "Obamneycare" then backed off when in Romney’s presence. We have a name for that here: “Minnesota Nice.” It proves that he’s too much of a wimp to be president.
Rick Perry Governor of Texas Isn’t this the same guy who wanted Texas to secede from the United States? There’s a word for that: treason. Therefore, under Article II Section 4 of the Constitution, he is ineligible to be President.
Mitt Romney Former Governor of Massachusetts The fact that he’s the man who signed the law "Obamacare" is modeled after is going to be an albatross around his neck, and his Mormon beliefs won’t gain him any support from the pervasive Christian elements in the GOP.
Rick Santorum Former Senator from Pennsylvania Thanks to Dan Savage, "santorum" now means a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter which is a byproduct of anal sex. This will be a roadblock, as it’s what Google displays as the first result when you google his name. Now all we need to do is expand the definition to include the term “Rick.”