Guest Stars:
BARBARA BILLINGSLEY, TONY DOW
and JERRY MATHERS
as THE BEAVER
BACKSTORY: This story was originally part of Star Cruise, a running parody of Star Trek: The Next Generation I wrote and posted to the RPlace BBS from 1992 to 1999. Bulletin Boards were the fore-runners of the Internet, small hubs where a handful of users could get together, exchange messages, and chat. These stories were set on a mythical starship as a metaphor for the BBS (The U.S.S. RPlace) with the system operator as Captain and various prominent users as crew. Inside jokes abounded, none of which the outside observer would probably get. But this episode turned out to have so few inside jokes that I could just replace my character names with those of the actual characters from the show, and it worked. This is probably the only surviving sample of Star Cruise, as the server that hosted it got reformatted long ago. It exists now only in hard-copy printouts, and I ain’t retyping 700 pages!
This episode is based on the episode “The Inner Light” weitten by Morgan Gendel and Peter Allan Fields. In that episode, the Enterprise encounters an alien probe which zaps Captain Picard, causing him to pass out on the bridge. Meanwhile, he “dreams” that he is another man, Kamin, and lives forty years of his life on a dying planet. In this parody, the other man whose life he finds himself living is none other than Ward Cleaver, the father from Leave It To Beaver.
Ten Forward: This is something we don’t see very often on the Enterprise. As the ship’s highest ranking officer, Jean-Luc Picard must always put forth a certain sense of cool and machismo that makes people think he’s actually in control of things. Certainly, his station doesn’t permit him to sit around Ten Forward trying vainly to drown his sorrows in synthehol (it never works). But that is exactly where we find him as our story opens. And of course, being the concerned friends that they are, Riker and Troi join him to give their friend support and attention.
Troi:
May we join you, Captain?
Picard:
Only if you don’t call me “Captain.” For the next sixteen hours, I would like to forget that I am the Captain of the Enterprise. Just call me Jean-Luc.
Riker:
Certainly, Jean-Luc.
Picard:
And I’ll just call you… damn! I’ve been calling you ‘Number One’ for so long I think I’ve forgotten your name.
Riker:
Sounds like you’ve been having a bad day.
Picard:
A bad day? That would be a major understatement! Stellar Cartography and Bio-Mechanical Research got into an argument about power allotments, there was almost a core breach in Main Engineering, and we went to red alert over a fleet of invading alien ships that turned out to be some crossed wires between the ship’s computer and one of Wesley’s video games! And to top it all off that “uh-huh” girl at the helm complained that she doesn’t get enough lines! (sigh) And to top it all off, Q put Ben Gay in my shorts this morning! Some days I hate this job.
Troi:
You need something to take your mind off things. When I need a lift, I like to go to my quarters, take all my clothes off and plunge into a tub of chocolate…
Riker:
I just got in some new titles from the Holodeck Program of the Month Club. Perhaps you’d like to try one of them…
Voice over Comm:
* Captain Picard, please report to the bridge. *
Picard:
See, it never ends!
* * *
The Bridge: Picard arrives on the bridge to see a mysterious alien probe on the main viewer. Picard turns to tactical, where Lt. Worf is doing a security scan.
Picard:
What is it?
Data:
It appears to be a mysterious alien probe.
Picard:
Open a hailing frequency.
Picard turns to face the screen again, and a bolt from the object seems to come right through the viewer, striking the captain and knocking him to the floor.
Riker:
Captain? Captain?? Captain!
Riker taps his comm badge.
Riker:
Medical emergency on the bridge…!
* * *
Cleaver Master Bedroom: Picard lifts his head and looks around. He is in a strange bedroom, with a strange woman standing over him.
June Cleaver:
Ward? Ward?? Ward!
Picard:
Who are you?
June Cleaver:
Don’t be silly, Ward. I’m your wife.
Picard:
What did you call me?
June:
Ward, is something wrong?
Picard:
Why do you keep calling me that?
June:
Because it’s your name, silly. Ward, are you feeling all right? You haven’t been yourself lately. I mean, [blush] you were a little hard on the beaver last night.
The Bridge: Dr. Crusher arrives on the bridge and examines Picard, who lays unconscious in the middle of the floor.
Riker:
What’s wrong with him, Doctor?
Dr. Crusher:
According to these readings… he’s unconscious.
Riker:
We can all see that, Doctor. I was hoping you could tell us why he’s unconscious.
Dr. Crusher:
Damned if I know. But aside from the fact that he’s unconscious, he’s fine.
Riker:
Counselor Troi, do you sense anything?
Troi:
Yes… I sense….
Riker:
What?
Troi:
I sense that you’re standing on my foot.
Riker:
Sorry…
Dr. Crusher:
I could give him mouth-to-mouth.
Riker:
Do you think that would help?
Dr. Crusher:
Well, it couldn’t hurt.
